The Chase.

I have gotten present to the fact that every individual on this earth is going through their own pain, trauma, self-doubt, and insecurities. We each have a voice in our heads that seems to get louder by the minute. A voice that invalidates us and cheers us on to do and act in ways that don’t support what we truly desire in life.

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Like most – I have been hurt and it’s a feeling that I wasn’t willing to endure again. Instead, for the past 7 years, I chose to lock my true feelings in my (Cancerian) shell, “protecting” my heart and never allowing someone to play with my feelings. Whenever I got involved with someone, it has played out the same way – Interest: Lust : Love: Breakdown and never did I believe it was my fault. I would affirm that things were great and then when the other person didn’t respond in a timely manner or stopped altogether, I justified my prowess and invalidated them. I gave them the same energy they “gave” me and never checked in again.

Cue November 2018. This time, this Sarah and this guy are different.

This Time.

This time is different because I declared at the beginning of the year that this would be a year of evolution and that’s exactly what’s happened; I spent every day of 2018 in transformation. Through this self-reflection and openness, I have gotten present to the fact that every individual on this earth is going through their own pain, trauma, self-doubt, and insecurities. We each have a voice in our heads that seems to get louder by the minute. A voice that invalidates us and cheers us on to do and act in ways that don’t support what we truly desire in life. It’s the voice that allows us to give our power away and avoid taking responsibility for our actions.

Every individual on this earth is going through their own pain, trauma, self-doubt, and insecurities.

I have become more knowledgeable about how human beings operate, the games we play on ourselves and the games we play out in life that continue to bring us the same unwanted results. We literally replay traumas repeatedly without even understanding how and unfortunately we are unable to identify when it’s happening. Through working with my coach, I was able to pinpoint past experiences that caused me to build defenses around getting hurt. What I didn’t know was that these defenses no longer worked. They were not protecting me, instead they were actually creating the same unwanted result over and over again.

This time I was equipped with the discovery of the games that I run, able to identify when I was playing games and in the same breath have grace for the men I attracted because unbeknownst to them, they were playing games too.

This Sarah.

Do you know what it feels like to constantly be unlocking new levels to yourself? To constantly go through the trials AND make it through to the triumph? To constantly look at everything without meaning, but instead as a possibility to learn something new? That is how I have grown to live life. When things get really tough, I seek out the greatest possible lesson. In my summer fling – my lesson was to allow my partner to be themselves, to grow at their own pace and to be self-aware of how my messages are landing. I also learned of my ability to romanticize a situation or consistently be dreaming of the beautiful future instead of actually being IN the present.

Going forward, I wanted things to be different because I want a different result and I realized that I had the power to design life how I wanted it – which took living in reality and stopping my default mode before it clicked in. This time I wanted to show up, show out, be in it and allow my emotions to be unrestricted. This meant speaking up when things didn’t seem right and being vulnerable to my friends about the motions I was going through. It was a very new feeling – being vulnerable about it all. It felt crazy because it wasn’t like me, but it somehow felt so fulfilling to be soo free.

This Guy.

This guy is different. Different how? I can’t really put my finger on it. However, I know that in me being different, then so is he. I am able to identify his gratitude for others, his outspoken personality, his confidence in his being, his appreciation for gaining knowledge and his appreciation for me. He’s read books that I am now getting to, he’s lived in and traveled to places I dream of and he’s accomplished things that I aim for – most importantly – he has his own.

Is he truly mine, or is he a lesson? That I left up to God.

What Happened?

From Nov 07 to Dec 07: butterfly bliss. Great conversations, consistency, and possibilities.

From Dec 08 to Jan 08: confusion. I had to put myself at issue and allow to be looked at funny, judged or even have others worry about me. I had to turn my emotional self inside out and upside down to see myself from a different point of view and allow transformation that was taxing at the moment to turn out in the long run. After an amazing physically beautiful morning together, things went sour. Instead of asking for validation – we had both put up our unknown defenses to protect ourselves from the inevitable future.

In the first week, there were numerous unanswered calls, unanswered texts and millions of thoughts about me not being good enough and trying to find ways to fix something that I learned wasn’t broken: me.

In the second week. I let my emotions be free. I justified my showing up at his apartment with “I need an answer” because obviously, he was the reason I was feeling this way. You know the notion – Why would he be making feel like this, when in reality – the only person that knew of my feelings was me. To my friends, I seemed crazy because I was doing things I had never done before; I was putting energy into someone that wasn’t putting energy into me. What they couldn’t see is that it wasn’t about him, it was about me, my ego and my flesh wanting what it wanted. It was also about me using every opportunity to learn myself, push myself to the limit and create new results because of it.

In the third week I learned the first big lesson of many – that my insecurities had led me to not wanting to take responsibility for my emotions. When someone didn’t respond to me in a time frame that I deemed appropriate, I was quick to go into a feeling of not being enough, followed by justifying how amazing I am, therefore invalidating them and avoiding domination by them. I also became privy to the game I was running, a game that was built to protect myself from past experiences. A game that no longer worked.

In the fourth week, I cried. I cried like a baby. I cried because I am perfect, whole and complete. I cried because the roller coaster of emotions had now drained me. I spent New Years Day on my bedroom floor in pieces, for once allowing myself to be. Be emotional. Be worn down. Be in the feelings. And then I got up feeling lighter and more expressed than ever. I also knew that because of who I am and the possibilities I can manifest in my life, that I would hear from him again. By that Friday, I understood that what God has for me would not be painful and that there are always more lessons to be learned. I was only chasing him because my flesh was seeking satisfaction and the alpha female in me didn’t want to lose.

I had also finally acknowledged my ego.

From January 5th-8th, I called him once every day. To be honest – I had it written in my planner as a to-do as “call jane doe”. Some days my number was blocked and others it rang through to voicemail. Did he think I was being crazy? Probably. For me, it was exerting my consistency and honestly, my stubbornness. What it reinforced was the ability to choose or not choose to give things meaning. Instead of telling myself he was ignoring me, I lived in reality and acknowledged what was – he didn’t pick up the phone. As a woman who will inevitably transform the world, it is a trait that I believe will take me very far.

Consistency is the practice of showing up in integrity, repeatedly. Showing up for whatever result it is that you desire despite what others say. It is showing up no matter how hard it becomes and showing up even when you don’t see an end in sight.

By midday on the 8th, I felt overwhelmed with resentment – a feeling I despised and asked my best friend to help me pray the demon off. By 4 pm I had chosen to punch my ego in the face and to operate in love; my natural way of being. I also chose to let it go and let God because my fear and living in scarcity was the opposite of my faith in the life that has already been written for me.

On January 9th, I declared that I am both leather & lace. I declared that I am both a steward and stand for my goals, dreams, and desires and at the same time – I am also a beautifully vulnerable, emotional, a loving human being and deserving of love. As such – I declared and created a new possibility for love.

That night, he reached out to me.

What’s possible?

It’s crazy how rapidly a month passes by and how much meaning we give to each day that does. Living in the future, I assumed that by now my feelings would be different and after 30 days of tumultuous up and down, that I would be disconnected. As I write this, that is not the case. I am more connected than ever. I am aligned with who I am, what I want and confident to ask for it. I am also still crushing over the man that showed up for me 60 days ago. Yes, I’m a sucker for love.

I have no idea what life has in store for me next, however, I am more grounded in myself than I was when I started this journey and I am empowered to create absolutely anything with anyone I want, on my terms. My power is to communicate what is wanted and needed clearly, giving everyone the opportunity to choose in or out. Either way, I will live tomorrow more powerfully than I did today.

What’s possible because of this? A life well lived!

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