As much as I love conversation, connection and learning more about others, I have always keep my inner workings extremely close to the chest. Growing up as the daughter of “important” people and being the first child, I have been required to be the example and to be a leader in my life and for others; a position I interpreted as not having weakness or imperfections.
Obviously, like every human, as life has progressed, I have had experiences that left me feeling weak, disempowered and sometimes unworthy or flawed. ‘Moments that are to be dealt with alone.’ After each of these moments – I spent time alone, “dealt” with my feelings, and moved on. Many times never discussing my feelings & experiences with others because as a leader – I wasn’t supposed to have imperfections. I am the “strong friend” and who was I to be weak? Instead of self-expression in its most honest, raw and real form, I worked hard to make my “Raw & Real” pretty. I preferred to keep my vulnerability close to the chest and embraced my bold bodily expression instead.
I wanted something different. I wanted to truly be the outspoken person that everyone took me for, not for them but for me.
My reward for not divulging fully was being able to protect myself from what others would think and say about me. I was able to be right, remain in the dominant role of ‘having it together’, be a winner and justify my feelings in my own space. In simpler words, I have been able to avoid responsibility. I realized that for some things and some time that was very effective – however, I began to feel stifled because I would have to deal with the voices of guilt/ judgment/incompleteness in my head. And if you’re like me, that voice never shuts up.
As “strong” as I felt in that position, I was actually costing myself the amazing feeling of aliveness by being inauthentic. I was taking away from others the chance to feel needed (in my vulnerability), therefore robbing myself of fulfilling, loving and expressive relationships. For those around me, I imagine they felt like they could only approach me as their most perfect selves. (I actually spoke to an EX who confirmed that he felt like I needed no one – especially not him.) As a loving being – this was not conducive to the life I want to live. I acknowledged my faults and chose to change it.
I actually spoke to an EX who confirmed that he felt like I needed no one – especially not him.
I started by having the conversations that I thought would be uncomfortable and make me feel more naked than the physical form could ever make me feel. Specifically – talking to others about my sexual health status. AKA – My Big Secret!
Having being exposed to herpes in 2015, I looked at myself as being scarred and in times not worthy. I had accepted it for myself, but not enough to share with others. It was the one thing that I truly kept under wraps, the one thing that I so badly wanted to share, but never did because I was scared of not being accepted. Interestingly, the more people I told, the more comfortable I became with myself and surprisingly, the more people I have been able to impact and empower! I have been able to accept my truth and understand that this is a tiny spec of who I truly am and it does not define me in any way!
Possibility through Conversation
Deals with the opinions/feelings at the moment
Frees up mental & emotional space for purposeful things
Allows for the discomfort in the NOW, to remain in the NOW
Supports & Empowers uncontrolled Self Expression
Creates an opportunity for growth
Creates the possibility of a new outcome in the relationship
In regaining my self- expression, I have been able to clearly & effectively articulate my feelings, thoughts, wants & needs. I have been feeling more alive than ever before and I have had more impact than I could imagine. The blessing is that I am just getting started! This feeling of aliveness is what I wish for the entire world. It is a level of freedom that I still can’t quite express in words – except for the fact that I feel like a little kid again. Free to express myself, to feel, to do & to love.
That time where everything was easy.